So as the child grows up, the initial "I-thought" will attract other thoughts:
it will identify with gender, what it has, the body it senses, nationality,
race, religion, occupation, etc. Other things I identify with include roles
(mother, father, husband, wife, etc.), accumulated knowledge or opinions, likes
and dislikes, things that have happened to me in the past, and memories of ideas
that allow me to further define my sense of self as "me and my story" (me and
story). These are just some of the things that allow people to draw on their
sense of identity, and they are ultimately just thoughts that are arbitrarily
bound by the fact that they are all invested in our sense of self. When you
usually say "I",
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more precise: most of the time when you say or think "I," it's not you that's
speaking, it's some aspect of that mental structure that's speaking, that level
of the ego. Once you awaken, you will still use the word "I", but it will come
from deeper within you. Most people are still completely identified with the
continuous flow of thoughts in their minds and obsessive thoughts, most of which
are repetitive and meaningless. Apart from their thought process,
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"I". This is what "spiritually unconscious" means. When you tell people that
they have a chattering voice in their head, they say, "What voice?" Or
indignantly deny, of course, what makes them do so is the voice, the thinker,
the unobserved mind. They can be seen as an entity that occupies and controls
these people. Some people will never forget that when they were first able to
identify with their thoughts, they briefly experienced a shift in identity: from
the content of the mind to awareness in the background. For others, the
situation may occur in such subtle ways that they hardly notice it, or they may
feel a flood of intense joy or inner peace without knowing why. Voices in the
Head 23 When I was a freshman at the University of London, I had my first
glimpse of awareness. I take the subway to the school library twice a week,
usually leaving at nine in the morning and returning home at the end of the
evening rush hour. Once,
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on the subway a few times before, and she makes people have to pay attention to
her. Although the whole carriage was full, the seats around her were empty, no
doubt because she looked a little out of her mind. She was very nervous,
constantly talking to herself angrily and loudly, completely absorbed in her own
thoughts, and seemed to have no awareness of other people or her surroundings at
all. Her head was drooping a little to the left, as if she were talking to
someone in an empty seat next to her. I don't remember exactly what it was. Her
monologue went something like this: "Then she said to me.." So I told her that
you were a liar and you dared to scold me. I trust you so much, but you keep
using me to take advantage of me and fail to live up to my trust in you. In her
angry tone, it was as if she had been framed and she needed to defend herself or
she would be destroyed. As the tube neared Tottenham Court Station, she stood up
and walked to the door, still saying, That's where I'm getting off, so I got off
with her. On the street, she began to walk towards Bedford Square, continuing
her imaginary conversation all the way, angrily directing others and defending
her position. My curiosity was aroused and I decided to follow her-as long as
she was going in the same general direction as I was going. She seemed to know
where to go, though she was engrossed in the phantom conversation. Soon I had
seen the magnificent building of the Senate, a tall building built in the 1930s,
which was also the central administrative building and library of the University
of London. I was shocked. How could we go to the same place? Yes, she went that
way. Is she a teacher, a student, an office worker, or a librarian? Maybe it's
also the subject of a psychologist's study? I'll never know the answer. I was
twenty steps away from her, and when I entered the building, she had disappeared
into an elevator. (That building, ironically, is where George Orwell's novel
1984 was filmed as the headquarters of the Mind Police.) I was somewhat shocked
by what I had just seen. I was a mature 25-year-old first-grader who thought of
myself as an intellectual in the making, and I believed that all the dilemmas of
human existence could be answered through intellect, that is, thinking. I have
not yet learned that the main dilemma of human existence is unconscious
thinking. I see my professors as saints who have all the answers to life, and I
see the university as a temple of knowledge. How can someone as delirious as she
is be part of this? Before entering the library, I was still thinking about her
in the men's room, and as I washed my hands, I thought: I hope I don't end up
like her. A man next to me glanced quickly in my direction, and I was shocked to
realize that I had not only "thought" those words, but also muttered them out
loud. Oh, my God! I'm already like her! I think so. Is not my mind as endlessly
active as hers? The difference between me and her is actually very small. The
dominant emotion beneath her thoughts seemed to be anger, and in my case, mostly
anxiety. She was saying out loud what she was thinking, and I was thinking most
of the time without saying it. If she's crazy,
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The Wall